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Untitled by Ephemerides (Hartford/Connecticut/USA) I've always kidded myself about being monotheistic. Throughout my childhood I had to make the decision of God or the naturalness of the universe. These problems really weren't for a 6-7 year old to worry about. I guess I was just a prodigy in philosophy. I had no bonds to either way. I lived in a modern world without a bond to religion or atheism. I grew up, for the most part, on a fairly large farm in Connecticut. We were fairly well off since the farm wasn't for living off of. If I could put my finger on paradise it would be right there. In fact the road I lived on was called Paradise Valley named for the land I lived on. I would wake up at about 5 AM and put on a few shirts to go fishing at the pond. I would think about many things there. One of which was god. It wasn't a favorite topic of mine to think about, but it was still there to be left and taken. My mind had still been undecided about it. Then for about 2-3 hours my mother would teach me what she had planned for the day. The rest of the day I would play with the animals or take a walk by the stream or whatever I wanted. I can't remember the exact age in my life when I thought of God not existing, but I am sure I was taking a walk around the stream. I thought to myself that he/she/it wasn't real and I kept that thought. I never shared this with anyone, but no one talked about God so I wasn't going to get discriminated against for my beliefs. I only knew he/she/it wasn't real. I thought there was an afterlife a heaven, but no hell of any kind. I can remember a few incidents where my father would take me to church or told me to pray to the Mother, Father, and the Holy Spirit. He never pressured me into it, but instead taught me about it and I accepted it for fact at the time. I later found out that I had indeed been baptized by my grandmother from her fear that my parents weren't going to do it properly at the church. Up to that point I felt proud to be neutral in this world of mine. Sadly when I was near seven years old my grandmother on my mother's side past away. I cried and kept her memory near me for months on end. I didn't think about God or anything like that. I just had a gut feeling that she would always look after me in some way or another. God wasn't involved in my life at the time and I felt that atheism (even though I hadn't even known that the word or train of thought existed) was as natural as Christianity. It was never a huge part of my life until recently. My baby brother had been born a week after my grandmother's death. I felt somehow that my grandmother had been reincarnated into my brother. It seems foolish, but I still believe that happened, at least I still hope that happened. Maybe it's me dealing with her passing on, but I want it to be true very badly. This is one way I can sympathize with people who are monotheistic. A year or so later my mother, the one who had let me choose my religious believes, contracted breast cancer. It's a condition that has been inherited throughout my family's history. She told me everything would be all right and she would live. I believed her since she had never deceived me before. She battled the disease and we all thought it was gone. We were wrong and it had spread to her lymph nodes. We tried all sorts of natural and radiation treatment to fight off the illness, all throughout she told me that everything would be all right. I believed her for some reason. I was visiting my father when she died. After that my half brother and I were separated and I needed someone to fall on for support. I chose God to blame and to heal my wounds and I kept with the belief for five years. The last year was basically looking for a religion without the whole Christianity theme. I was kidding myself all those years. I would despise the pledge of allegiance for the word God in it, just to be politically correct with freedom of and from religion. Then even in chorus I had despised the teacher for having such songs has 'Jesus Christ Superstar' and 'Christmas a Comin''. I refused to sing 'Jesus Christ Superstar' and every other song and I was sent to the office. Part of it was I didn't want to be in chorus anymore, but another part was that nothing had been done to stop the song from being there. I brushed that off and kept with my spiritual crusade. I met many people who didn't believe in the organized religions, but believed in God. None of them fitted me and my needs for fulfillment. I needed someone to tell me they can live without God. Oddly enough I met someone in a chat room and they told me they were atheistic and why. I can't remember the specifics, but one of them was that even if God was real it didn't matter because he didn't care. This blew me away. After this realization I felt great every day. Life was actually worth it. I still had feelings of the shallow world I was in, but I got back my spirit of the old days. The air I breathed felt better, the water I drank tasted colder and purer. I could sleep without Nyquil. Life was good. Then 9-11 came knocking on the door. I was in history class and we had been scheduled to go to the library that day. We walked in and some teachers were watching TV and I saw the towers on fire. I asked if it was a clip from the bombing of the towers in '93. They said it was happening live. Fear shot through my body. Everyone went to work other than me and a friend of mine. We sat there in total horror. We totally over-reacted to what would happen in the future. We felt the horror in those towers. When the first one fell my soul died a little bit. My stomach crushed in. This was the total worst feeling I had ever had. Even when I heard my mother had died I did not feel this terrible. I didn't know anyone and my family didn't know anyone in the towers, but it hurt my soul. I walked through the halls seeing all the god fearing Christians and Jews. I went to lunch and cried for a while. I can still see some of the kids laughing around me. Not at the tragedy just at their own antics. Later on I heard the song, 'Diary of a Dope Fiend' by Marilyn Manson and the quote 'Fail to see the tragic turn it into magic' classified my classmates perfectly. I fell asleep wondering if my atheism was premature or if it was on cue, with the soothing sound of Peter Jennings voice in the background. My parents still don't think I'm atheist nor have I told them. No one has except a few close friends. I was surprised to hear that they themselves were also atheist. These friendships grew and I learned more about myself and about them. Life became a bit more depressing. The spark in my eye burned out, and life became meaningless. I could finally see what people and how the system actually worked. I realized that I wasn't afraid to die. That was the first time I had ever felt that. Death wasn't the monster in the dark. It became the black gate in the sun. I'm still very depressed and disappointed by basically all life. Now when I think of people still believing in such beings as God it seems odd to me. I think about people in the far off future looking back on our foolish God as we look upon the Egyptians and the Greek and Roman Gods. Maybe it's a time to change our ways, but I doubt that will happen soon. The church will take a huge blow when the scientist finally makes evolution a law. When I heard that some people still believed in creationism I lost a little piece of my confidence in human nature. Don't get me wrong, I am tolerant of other beliefs, but I believe if you're devoted to your beliefs you shouldn't go against them. In a way I was happy for those people living in the dark about evolution. At least they're going all out in what they believe. This work is being published under a pseudonym. The author's name and email have been withheld by request. |
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